Life is kind of hectic so I spend most of my time alone over thinking and re-thinking. Today I went under my favorite tree and looked up at the stars. They looked so beautiful. With all the light being on where I reside there wasn't much stars to see but the ones you did see were so beautiful. I thought of her and how after almost 3 years my feelings for her are undefined. I love her.Yes..This apathetic blogger has a soft spot and she is it. I don't love but she is the only exception which scares the crap out of me especially because she doesn't feel the same way. I've made life altering changes for her but still it doesn't seem to be enough. I just don't seem good enough then all the insecurities come in and I become overwhelmed. I thought about life without her and it was hard to imagine since she is the person I go to when I'm in need of advice. She knows so much about me and still doesn't show any interest. Maybe I'm just too fucked up in the head and with all my emotions and she just doesn't want to deal with that. It makes sense when you over think, analyze, and re-analyze every bit of it.She has shown me my insecurities and cause some of my insecurities. That feeling of not good enough. I just want to take her out on a romantic picnic with flowers and candles and a nice sunset or to a dinner and a movie . Is that so bad ? Instead, I lay under my favorite tree looking up at the stars wondering what ifs and Making wishes I know wont come true.
Letting go is certainly easy said then done. I say I'm letting go but once I see her again all the old feelings will come back and I would again be confused with the abundance of feelings I feel for her. I just don't want to be a bother to her so I don't text her. I don't want to seem like an emotional wreck so I don't say I love when I want to. Having to play that friend role when you know your in love with the person is really hard.This is just my late night venting before I lay to bed and sleep.Goodnight
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